Tardy For The Party

Dear Neologist,

I write to you on behalf of a friend -- and yes, it really is on behalf of a friend. This  friend recently posted the following on her Facebook page: "Would love it if someone could explain the blip in the space-time continuum that takes me from 7:30 (and in good time to start getting ready for work) to 8:18 and really late."

I, too, have noticed this blip, but it occurs slightly later, when I am ostensibly ready to leave for work, but am not yet seated in my automobile. In other words, the problem lies less in getting ready to leave the house, and more in actually getting out of the house. Perhaps one word could describe both situations, or perhaps, in your infinite logosophia, you will determine that two words are necessary. I defer to you.

All my best to you and yours,

Tardy for the Party

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Dear Tardy for the Party,

Two words? Hardly. A problem involving the very nature of spacetime requires at least four. (For ease of use you may keep them in a closed box with your cat.)

The four words in question are:

mutwillig unterbewußte Pünktlichkeitsverschiebung
f, moot'-vil-lik   oon'-ter-buh-voos'-tuh   poonkt'-lick-kites-fur-shee'-boong
(willfully subconscious punctuality shift)

This phenomenon is the everyday repudiation of that old German chestnut, the Triumph of the Will. Which is certainly something worth repudiating daily. That said, the problem isn't the Pünktlichkeitsverschiebung itself, but rather the willfully subconscious part. While the Neologist isn't favorably disposed to passing fads, there does appear to be demonstrable utility gained from self-directed honesty and conscious awareness of one's desires and decisions.

Therefore one would advise your friend to take note of future punctuality shifts, and to analyze whether recurring triggers exist. Short of full-blown agoraphobia, it seems likely that patterns will emerge. Is it the destination that provokes resistance? Is it the route of travel? The means of conveyance? Undesirable companionship along the way? Or is it the hour of departure? (The Neologist's strong resistance to the forces of A.M. chauvinism is well documented.)

Once analysis leads to clarity, perhaps there is the possibility of sidestepping the triggers, or of fundamentally adjusting the parameters of the journey. No hour of the day is inherently superior to the next. What is important is the respect of honoring an agreement made. If it has been mutually decided to congregate at a given time, one need be there to avoid involuntary rectangulation. 

Allow me to express it in a formula:

The appointed hour (A) divided by the actual time of arrival (T) equals overall happiness (H) with the exponent (r) signifying respect. It is a matter of Höflichkeit -– courtliness.

Of course, to be truly courtly would require the donning of a powdered wig, or of a cascade of intricately nested skirts, or possibly both. While undeniably attractive, such attire is at cross-purposes with the stated goal of punctuality. But I digress.

The Neologist hopes that he was helpful to your friend. He is flattered that you turned to him for advice, and that you allowed him to expound on so grave and pervasive an issue. However he must also now alert you to the fact that you should have left for work ten minutes ago.

Mit herzlichen Grüßen,

The Neologist