neologist

Childless in Cook County

Dear Neologist:

All of my friends are having babies! Despite the fact that they all know me quite well, and are plainly aware of my slight aversion to having children of my own, these dear friends of mine consistently demand that I have a few of my own.

My question is two-fold. Is there a German compound noun that will allow me to defuse their hopes for eine kinder of mein very own, at least in the near future? And then, is there a neat little package that will describe my small fear of children of my own that also describes my capability to care-take the offspring of others?

Most sincerely,
Childless in Cook County

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Dear Childless,

Let me begin by saying that you're obviously a horrible, horrible person for shirking your genetic duties in favor of what we can only assume is a non-stop sybaritic pleasurama lifestyle of constant hedonism and consequence-free interpersonalization. For shame!

Now... the Neologist feels your pain, having also been encouraged, on occasion, to give to the world a few itty-bitty little Neologists, despite his insistence that it's really not for him. What will be the magic word to get your friends to respect your procreative boundaries?

First you might tell them that you are

wahlunfruchtbar
adj, vuhl'-oon'-frookt-bar
(infertile by choice)

Should you use the word in writing, please be sure
not to omit the first h, lest you be walunfruchtbar --
infertile by whale.

Your friends are sure to tell you something along the lines of "Oh! You say that now, but you'd be such a great parent! You just wait. You'll meet the right person and you'll have kids and you'll wonder why you waited so long and it'll be great and we can all go to the playground together."

In this case you can go one of two ways. If you want to gently ease out of the whole topic, you might simply cast your eyes to the heavens, tilt your head to the side, drop your voice to a pained whisper and ask "Have you ever heard of the German term unerklärliche unwiderrufliche Kinderlosigkeit? I'll explain, but it's just so painful to even talk about... I'm sorry... " That ought to give you a few months' peace.

unerklärliche unwiderrufliche Kinderlosigkeit
f, oon'-err-claire'-lick-uh, oon'-vee'-durr-roof'-lick-uh
kin'-durr-low-zig-kite
(inexplicable, irrevocable childlessness)

If you feel like being a bit more direct and/or truthful, it would be hard not to give the same initial advice as to "Slowly Spinning in San Simeon." But if you'd like to be a bit more high-minded about it, and keep yourself in the pool of possible baby-sitters, why not declare yourself:

grundsätzlich kinderfreundlicher
Vortsetzungsnichtteilnehmer
m, groont'-zatz-lick kin'-durr-froind'-lick-urr
fort'-zat-tsoongs-nickt'-tile-nay-murr
(fundamentally friendly-to-children procreation-non-participant)

Or did the Neologist misunderstand your query? Are you looking to express a minor fear of minors, regardless of genetic bond, and the desire not to be asked to take care of any of them ever? In that case, you might go for broke and say "I love children, especially in a nice burgundy sauce." But such things tend to rankle, and bring the attention of law enforcement.

Perhaps you should simply,
yet emphatically classify yourself as

kinderinkompatibel
adj, kin'-durr-in-come-put-tea'-bull
(child-incompatible)

Viel Glück!

The Neologist

Slowly Spinning in San Simeon

Dear Neologist:

Since I was a kid my Mom always said "go slow" when we were on our way out of the house. But living in California and working in the clay arts it's all about "instant success." Is there something I can say to my artist friends when they challenge me in my artistic quest for all things "quality, not quantity"?

Thank you for this kind service when one special word said in a dramatic way is so necessary sometimes. Even if it's a German word said with an Italian accent while splattering clay.

Slowly Spinning in San Simeon

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Dear Slowly Spinning,

In a situation such as yours I would find it difficult to resist the urge to seek refuge in a simple English BUZZ OFF! Hell, I might not even use the word "buzz." But civility demands restraint. And if the German language can offer anything it's most certainly the civil expression of repressed anger. Thus I suggest that --- upon your next confrontation with your friends' lust for instant glory --- you unleash upon them the concept of

Künstlerischer Gährungsprozeß
m, qu'nst-lur-reesh-er gay'-roongs-pro-tsess'
(artistic fermentation process)

You might also mention the German saying

Gut Ding braucht Weile.
goot ding browkt vile'-uh
(A good thing takes time.)

While there is much to be said for a daily artistic discipline in creating new work, being awarded the trappings of worldly success for said work isn't always under our control. Hence the maddening need for patience --- and for German compound nouns --- to keep eager friends (and one's own inner voice) at bay.

Viel Glück!

The Neologist

Full Passport but Empty Prospects

Dear Neologist:

I miss my old life, my life of living/working in Europe (Germany and Prague), drinking good coffee, using dependable transport and having an excuse not to celebrate things like the 4th of July. Problem is, now that I am back in the US, I am directionless... working a pointless job and dreaming of life abroad, which feels like it will never happen again. My friends can't seem to understand and all think that settling down is the way to go.

Hilfe! I need a word to call my own.

Full Passport but Empty Prospects

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Dear Full Passport,

As much as the Neologist aches to create a new word for you, the German language already has the right term to serve you. The word is

Fernweh
n, fairn'-vay
(homesickness for the far away)

It's a powerful force, and can be quite painful. It's not the Neologist's place to ask, but why don't you go back to Europe if your heart is calling you there? Surely you'll find a job that will make you happier than your current one. Life is short. Why wait? A dream deferred is a dream denied. Perhaps you should practice

entschlossene Herzenswunscherfüllungsarbeit
f, ant-shloss'-un-nah Hertz'-sense-voonsh-er-fuel'-oongs-arrrh-byte
(determined heart's desire granting work)

Seize the Tag!

The Neologist

Grappling in Peoria

Dear Neologist:

I am attempting to disguise my obsessive-compulsive behaviors by convincing myself that magic is real, & if I circle the dining room table three times counter-clockwise, I will win the World Wrestling
Federation title to which I am actually entitled.

All I need now is the word for what I'm trying to do. When I say it three times fast, it will work.

Signed,
Grappling in Peoria

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Dear Grappling,

Why would you want to disguise your obsessive-compulsive tendencies? Didn't you get the memo? The geeks have inherited the Earth. Washing your hands 20 times before lunch and arranging your ball point pens by order of ink depletion may actually win you friends these days.

But the Neologist isn't here to judge, of course, but to neologize. The word you're looking for is

Charme-ähnliche Persönlichkeitstarnung
f, shurm'-ain'-lick-kuh per-zoan'-lick-kites-tar'-noong
(charm-approximating personality camouflage)

The scientific name would be semi-dissociative pseudo-Aspergers -- or Hoffman's Disease. A variant of the disease did, of course, do wonders for the professional wrestling career or Andy Kaufman, but for legal reasons the Neologist will have to refrain from advising you in the oiled-up arts. That said, it never hurts to have a folding chair handy.

The Neologist

Ennui-filled in Education

Dear Neologist:

I am giving a midterm this week, and apparently a significant percentage of my students either require spoon feeding or constant reassurance that they are en route to a good grade. At present, when I look at my inbox and see the messages waiting for me, my heart begins to sink. Can you give me a word to describe the feeling for when you know you are about to be incredibly irritated by someone or something? (And will have to be gracious and kind in response to boot!)

Thanks ever so,
Ennui-filled in Education

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Dear Ennui-filled,

Your students are triggering in you a condition common among those engaged in professions that necessitate frequent contact with large, mostly unscreened population samples. As the director of the St. Elderwart's Hospital for the Annoyingly Infirm wisely remarked "This would be a sweet gig if I didn't have to deal with all these damn patients every day." The feeling you are experiencing is:

Höflichkeitsgehemmter Vorzorn
m, hoif'-lick-kites-guh-ham'-tear fore'-tsorn
(anticipatory wrath held in check by manners)

It takes a person of life-tempered optimism and emotional endurance to keep in check one's natural tendency to rebuke and reform. Even if it is done in the hope of bringing your students closer to the radiant level of humanity embodied by a more refined soul such as yourself, those in the process of being thus elevated tend to be a bit miffed about the whole thing, unaware as they are of their current shortcomings.

Kudos for accepting a certain level of personal discomfort so as to create in your class a spirit of acceptance and nurture, reluctant though it may be.

The Neologist